There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
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Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
men, we mow at sunrise.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.