interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
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son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
How to draw a duck
Facebook memories be like
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.