What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.