Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
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A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism