Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
You Might Also Like
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
i wish i could marry a nap
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.