FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*