Never let them know your next move 😂
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Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]