wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day