The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in