My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
My sex drive has a dui
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.