People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
FINE, I WON’T.