The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
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I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]