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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball