Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
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I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*