my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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crochet youtube is brutal
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.