Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
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A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.