me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
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I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
spicy snake
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.