In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
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DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death