*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam