Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.