Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
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If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):