My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
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i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*me flirting
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.