Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
The USS B port
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”