ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*