Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
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[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!