New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.