I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
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Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
kitchen magnet
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table