I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
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I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*