*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
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My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Spa day..😅
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.