How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
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ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My loaf of bread looks terrified
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299