When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
You Might Also Like
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.