ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
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(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases