Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
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11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Not today. 😅
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213