Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.