Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
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-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Breaking news:
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking