My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
You Might Also Like
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I need to update my racial profile.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
the rocks need my help
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know