Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
You Might Also Like
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.