told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
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ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol