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Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
how much for the angry fruit?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*