4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Every time my phone rings
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.