The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
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ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?