My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Trying
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken