Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Not messing around
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
So, can we agree on 4 or
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said