everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
What number SPF blocks people?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
A great tip. #CakeRex
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*