Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
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Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
let’s discuss