Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
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My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.