my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
You Might Also Like
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.