Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
no refunds
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
What even happened today?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Never forget.