Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
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Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind