Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
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My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF